My Homophobia

Sometimes, I wish I'd been born in a different year. The late 1990's maybe would have been better for me. I have met a lot of queer folks of all ages, but the ones who live unapologetically themselves are usually younger. My generation, although braver than the ones before us, unfortunately have a lot of internal homophobia. 

I've never marched or attended a pride parade. I've never worn a pride t-shirt or flown a rainbow flag. I did have a lambda sticker on my king cab Toyota truck growing up. I was told it would attract other gay people in my small town, so I could find me community. Never, did that sticker open a conversation with a stranger or make me any friends. 

I've been married to my wife for 12yrs now. We didn't fight for our right to marry, nor have we done anything to keep our right, other than vote blue. A clear example of how we had been conditioned by society's expectations for two women who were in a loving relationsship was during our photo shoot pre wedding. A photographer that we hired, that knew and fully accepted that she was going to be photographing two women for their wedding, had to tell us to lean close, to show affection. Looking back, it makes us laugh, because even though it was so hard to do at the time, it got easier after a few photos. I mean we had never shown affection in public. We still do not to this day. We have been conditioned to "act like friends". Don't get me wrong, if a man tries to hit on my wife, I will surely step in let him know he is barking up the wrong tree. I do enjoy seeing people squirm when I correct them by saying, "I don't have a husband, I have a wife." I won't deny who I am or who I love. 

When I see younger gays holding hands, kissing in public, in my small, blue city in the south, or wearing rainbow merch, it makes me uncomfortable. Why does it make me uncomfortable? Because I am worried about anti-gay slurs being said, or worse violence. Why don't I go to a pride parade? Same reason. I'm scared of the others. The homophobes, the bigots, the people who tolerate our existence, but don't see us as equal. I'm worried about violence from the angry right, or a man struggling with his own internalized homophobia trying to show the word he hates gays by taking out a few at the parade. Being proud of who you are? Who you love? Being proud of standing up to bullies? 

I am not there yet. Maybe one day I will be. 

I show up in my life now as a hero to that scared young girl, weeping for God to not let her wake up to have to face another day of hate from the bullies at school, in my community, in my church, in my family. I do have pride for who I am today. The marriage to my wife. The life we have made. The change I have made for other's lives in my work in healthcare, education and now real estate. 

God give me strength to accept me as you made me. Give me strength to drown out the angry, bigoted voices who attempted to shape my image of myself as a child and young adult. Give me strength to support pride and be an example to anyone who needs an ally. We all need an ally. God is my ally.